The Grumpy Struggle (…and Luminous Solution…)
End of Year Reflections
I was trying to think of a theme to really tie the room together for my end of year reflection, and the most appropriate (though not very festive) one seemed to be: The Grumpy Struggle.
This delightfully apt little gem of an idea comes from Charlotte Wood’s book on creativity (and life) The Luminous Solution.
(Note: she didn’t call the book The Grumpy Struggle...)
In her book, Wood has devoted a whole chapter to dissecting and analysing some of the more challenging aspects of the writing process. She unpacks some of the obstacles that can derail writing (read: the creative act in general) and categorises some of the strategies artists/writers use to wrestle with their work - to make what is not working, work.
There are several methods she explains; ‘scrub-bashing’ (which comes from Helen Garner), refers to the initial (slightly violent-sounding) chasing down of new ideas; another is ‘heat-seeking’, how artists ‘separate promising from unpromising material by sensing and following the power or energy coming from any part of the work’. She also reflects on what happens when this particular energy is kaput, and what you can do about it. ‘Disrupting and overturning’ is one such method I have deployed frequently this year in my own studio work; a ‘conscious method of opposition, in which an artist disrupts or messes up existing work so as to create movement or change…’
The title for the chapter comes from this quote, included by Wood, from American author Janet Burroway:
“Once I‘m working, the process is much the same in every genre: the effort to get myself to the computer, a period of grumpy struggle, despair, the luminous solution that appears in bed or bath, joyful work, repeat; repeat; repeat”
So far, so good.
But what does this have to do with my end of year reflection?
The temptation (and cultural pressure) for an end of year reflection is to focus only on gratitudes and platitudes - and I don't want it to seem that I am not grateful. I have so much in my life that I am thoroughly thankful for.
Yet…I've been really feeling, and definitely embodying, the idea of the grumpy struggle all throughout this year (…still…don’t forget that luminous solution).
And, while some of this struggle has involved my creative work, it has not been the only thing.
As I reflect on my year, I think one of the things I get from this quote, and from the chapter as a whole, is some degree of reassurance.
Reassurance in the plain, bare acknowledgement that things being difficult is part of the deal. Difficulty is supposed to happen!
Struggle is not just expected, but it happens SO frequently (and in such a variety of flavours) that it can be classified and categorised and sorted into TYPES. And…there are solutions.
What a relief.
Wood is writing about the difficulties of writing, but you can extend this (and I do, dear reader, I do) to the difficulties of LIFE in general.
Trickiness, difficulty, weirdness and struggle is a feature, not a bug.
None of this is really news to anyone. Life can be a pain in the ass.
But sometimes I need a good reminder.
One: of that little kernel of truth, that life is indeed a pain in ass (not likely to forget that one) but also, two: of the other truth, that it is part of the deal and it is SHARED, everyone else goes through this stuff too. (And sometimes I like that reminder to come in the form of a really well-written book)
The other thing I get from this chapter is also in the form of another reminder: that difficulty (and grumpy struggles) often happen most when you are pushing boundaries and venturing into unknown territory. This chapter reminds me that in these instances, not only is difficulty a feature, there is real VALUE in going through that process of grappling, falling over, wrestling and struggling along. Because as you do, you’re gathering intelligence, literally. Struggle is research.
For me, this year has had more than its fair share of the grumpy struggle and a liberal sprinkling of sweaty-toothed difficulty, limping and swaggering along with a generous dose of anarchic spirit.
It is not so much that there have been NO rules of engagement. It is more that: SO MANY of my previous rules (hard won rules, honed over time) seem to have exhausted their usefulness, and a whole bunch of life-and-work-and-art-stuff stopped working the way I thought it should.
Methods, habits, routines that before seemed perfectly functional just up and carked it. Just like that (without proper notification, I might add) they ended their course, sometimes deliberately, sometimes abruptly and downright rudely.
Everything has felt a bit tricky.
On the other hand, I have often been the mastermind and engineer behind these conditions of struggle. This has been a year when I have deliberately pushed myself way out of my comfort zone on multiple fronts. It has been challenging and exciting, but also sometimes extremely disconcerting, raw and awkward. And hard.
In terms of “grumpy” and “struggle”, I feel I have covered all bases thoroughly.
But then, in the wake of all of this flailing - sometimes out of curiosity, many time just sheer desperation - new fixes have emerged (or been feverishly cobbled together).
I’ve re-learned how to navigate my instincts (learning when to trust them and when to pat them on the head and put them in the corner for a while), and I’m starting to devise a whole new kit of purpose-built jigs and tools that I can deploy in the crunchiest of times.
Have I found my ‘luminous solution’?
I wouldn’t say that I have found THE solution (is there ever just ONE solution?)
But I have begun to find (and forge) many.
So…here’s to a time of rest and recuperation over the holiday break, so I (we) can once again take on the multiple, the perpetual, the good and necessary, if sometimes grumpy, struggles in the new year.
And, hopefully, discover some (more) luminous solutions.
